The Day I Drove My Car Straight Into A Rainbow!

Did you ever have a "miracle moment" -- the kind of happening that gives you a knock on the head, a slam against the wall, or a punch to the gut that let's you know this is for you?  Twenty five years ago, a few days past Mother's Day was my run-in with a rainbow!

I won't go into a lot of the gory details, but on Mother's Day twenty five years ago I was pregnant.  Only this was "not a regular kind of pregnant" because the baby that was inside of me wasn't alive.  I found out ten days before that he had died and it was the doctor's strong suggestion (okay, the doctor would have it no other way) that I wait to go into regular labor to deliver this stillborn baby boy.

Not a fun Mother's Day! 

For weeks following the birth/death of baby Samuel (who wasn't named until many years later -- another story for another time) the only thing I did was cry.  I only had about thirty minutes together with Samuel in my arms.  He was a beautiful little boy, and looked much like my son Tim.  He had blonde peach fuzz for hair, and his eyelashes were strawberry colored.  His fingers and toes were all there and so perfectly formed.  He was such a handsome little fella, but I never got to tell him that -- not while he was alive.  And, so my heart broke -- over and over and over again it broke. My heart didn't just break.  It shattered. 

And then about three months later came the most bizarre day I've ever experienced when I ran the car off the old country road while crying my eyes out.  There had been a terrible rain storm and I was sobbing as hard as the rain when suddenly, almost as though there was a switch that turned off the downpour, I found myself in a field smack dab up against a rainbow!

I have only seen a few rainbows in my entire life, and this one was not a regular rainbow.  I can tell you that this was a talking rainbow.  This rainbow spoke volumes to me that day! 

Let me assure you I'm not crazy, nor do I make it a habit to run into rainbows with the car or have conversations with rainbows, but I'm telling you this was one of those moments -- one of those times when you know you're getting bonked over the head for a reason. 

I believe God sent me this rainbow to tell me that there was hope beyond Samuel's death.

Not long after my run-in with the rainbow, my heart began to feel different.  I saw life in a much clearer way than I had before.  So many things that I had overlooked in the past seemed to stand out and shout, "I'm beautiful.  Look at me! This day is for you!  Learn to enjoy it!"  I honestly think that smashing into that rainbow changed my eyesight.  I definitely know it changed my "heart sight."  We do see with our hearts, you know!

And, that's when the idea of beginning a healing garden was born.  Why not plant flowers and trees and living plants that would return year after year as a reminder of the miracle and beauty of life?  And, so I began to do just that -- plant something each year as a reminder of the miraculous blessing of life!

This giant snowball bush began as a teensy-tiny twig that I ordered through the mail from Michigan Bulb. This is the twenty-fifth year anniversary of that little twig, and the flowers from this bush have been used for wedding bouquets, baby bouquets, anniversary bouquets, and for decorating all throughout the rooms in my home.  Such a hopeful reminder of how life can go on even when we've experienced the devastation of the death of a child.  Look how many lives have been blessed because of this little twig planted in memory of Samuel! 

In the fall, the flowers on this bush turn a lovely pink!  A little trick is to feed your snowball bush with some Epsom Salts a couple times a season.  Samuel, look what you continue to give back to so many!!!!

Planted among my healing gardens are hundreds of irises of all varieties and colors!  On this particular morning, this iris seemed to be crying a tear of both joy and sadness with me as I remembered my little boy, along with the others who are missing from my family.  Sadness doesn't always mean despondency.  I continue to marvel at the details of the bearded iris.  Nature sure is full of beautiful miracles, isn't it? 

And, so as this Mother's Day approaches, I will again be planting flowers in memory of Samuel, and in honor of life.  Just today I bought some red dianthus plants and two climbing clematis plants.

A few years ago, some of my family gathered at my son Tim's home to celebrate a happy occasion.  With me was my grandson Jon who was born just three months following the death of my Samuel.  When I look at Jon I always think of my Samuel -- in a wonderful kind of way!  Sure, I wonder if those two would have played basketball together in school.  Would they have gone to the prom together?  Would they have gone on road trips together?  I'm sure they would have been great together, but it didn't turn out that way.

We are left with choices in life.  Sometimes, life is hard.  Many times things come into our lives that are beyond our control and we wish those things had never happened.  But, we can't change those things.  What we can change is how we view the heartache that comes into our lives. 

Look for your rainbow.  Pray for your rainbow to appear out of nowhere!  Ask God to direct your path right into a rainbow so that you get that bonk over the head that lets you know that there is hope!  Life does go on, and there are beautiful, wonderful blessings that surround us each day!

Jon is standing front and center in this picture and he will always have a front and center place in my heart!  Samuel, I have a feeling you're smiling right now.  I know your mama sure is!

Twenty five years later -- missed, loved, and still a part of my heart and life!  Bloom, flowers, bloom!  Samuel has a lot of hopeful giving to do yet!

Love,
Mom 
PS  If you've been shattered by child loss and need some extra encouragement, please visit here and here.  And, be sure to get a copy of the book, Silent Grief. And, keep praying for that rainbow!   

Two Italian Sisters and One Italian Son Equals FUN!

I've been pouring through pictures on my computer for the past few weeks, and for some reason the album "Lucca Restaurant" just popped out at me today and I've looked at the pictures in this album probably a hundred times.  Go figure!  Maybe I'm hungry for some authentic Italian food.  Maybe I'm ready for another Pittsburgh adventure.  Maybe I was in the mood for recalling some of my most fond memories.  Or maybe it's because I was thinking about family, kids, and all of the life changes that have taken place over the past two years.   

Let's just say I'm so glad for pictures!  They really do make imprints on the heart and mind.  I forgot how excited my sister Ruthie and I were to get all primped up to go to Lucca's Restaurant in the Burgh!  WOW!  That was a fun night!!! 

Our last name is "Lucca", and we had some crazy notion that we were going to meet up with relatives of ours from Italy! We had talked about visiting this restaurant for two years, until finally Chris said,
"Okay, ladies.  Put on your Sunday best.  I'm taking you out for a night on the town!"

Let's just say that Aunt Ruthie was a bit excited to be sitting in "Lucca's Restaurant" with the special words from Chris, "Order whatever you want.  This is your night!  Pretend you're in Italy.  The treat is on me!"  (This is only one of many of Aunt Ruthie's famous "kisses" that Chris got that evening.  Poor guy!  (Italian women tend to get quite emotional and they are not afraid to express their emotions in public!)

This happened to be a five course meal, and along with each course came another bottle of wine.  I'm laughing as I'm recalling how this all played out........Chris ended up calling a friend to drive us around for several hours following the meal.  We might be crazy, but we're not stupid!!!!

This night was so special for a thousand different reasons.  For Pete's sake -- this was "LUCCA" Restaurant!  Our name.  A bit of our history.  A bit of nostalgia.  A bit of pride.  A bit of everything Italian you could think of was part of this magical night!  And, we are sisters who are about as polar opposite as you can get, but for this night -- by golly we were on the same page.  We were enjoying every minute of being at Lucca's together.  Thank you, Chris for making it all happen because heaven knows the two of us would never have maneuvered our way around the streets of Pittsburgh on our own! 

The meal was a smashing hit.  The food was off-the-charts delicious.  We drove the waiter to the point of him needing to take a "break from our table."  Actually, he said he got hit with a terrible headache and had to go rest.  (Aunt Ruthie thought he was cute and plastered some of her famous kisses on him, too!) 

And, we ran up to the poster of "Lucca, Italy" time and time again to pose for pictures, each time with a different story about how we'd one day go to Italy to track down our relatives.  We laughed.  We laughed some more.  And, we daydreamed.  And, the break from real life was wonderful!  Gosh, it's good to just get away from the everyday routine of work, work, and more work and do some super big fantasizing about life!!!

I've often wondered if Chris had any fun at all that night.  He was in a lovely restaurant with his old mom and his crazy aunt.  He took a night out of his hectic life to spend with two sisters who did nothing but yak, yak, yak the entire time.  He heard stories that he's already heard at least fifty times before.  He put out a huge hunk of change on that meal.  And, he had the honors of being lavished in "Aunt Ruthie's kisses" for about three solid hours!  (Chris deserves a gold medal, doesn't he?) 

Following the super high of the  Lucca's Restaurant escapade, we took in the sights and sounds of Pittsburgh!  All I can say is, "Oh, what a night!"  B E A U T I F U L!!!

What a drop-dead gorgeous city all lit up in the evening!  Every time I look at this picture, it takes my breath away!  The bridges, the tall buildings, the high hills illuminated and glowing from every direction.  I'll say it again, "Oh, what a night!"

Chris calls himself a Dimwit , but I think he has it all wrong.  He's a LUCCA!  And, he's one heck of a special Italian son!  Thank you, Chris, for the memories!!!!  Aunt Ruthie and I still talk about this night and we probably always will.  We'll still be talking about this night when each of us are sitting in the nursing home saying, "Do you remember the night we spent at Lucca's with Chris?"

A lesson to all kids:  Parents grow older and when they do, there's one thing they crave more than any "thing" in the entire world.  That thing is called "spending time with you."  If you're hard up for an idea for Mother's Day or a birthday or any day......just give your parent some of your time!  There is no greater gift than giving of yourself!!! 

From the mouth of an an Italian mama, "Grazie, Christopher!  You are the furthest thing from a Dimwit I've ever known!"

Love,
Mother
PS  I did get to go to Italy with Chris, and it was the "adventure" of a lifetime!  Let's just say I've never been the same since!  I guarantee that it truly was seeing Italy from a totally different perspective than in the tour books! 

Thank You, Deb, for Remembering My Anniversary!

Today's post will probably be a bit strange for some, but I'm going to write it anyway.  I couldn't sleep last night -- had fitful hours of weird dreams, and finally decided, "You know what?  I'm just going to get it off my chest!"   

If you know me even remotely, you know that I'm no longer married, and I'm sure a lot of people have been wondering, "How is she doing?  What must it be like to have been married for almost forty years, and suddenly find yourself living alone?  What does it feel like to find out that you never really knew the man you married?  What's it like to have shared the majority of your years on this earth with a man who concealed his heart from you?"  *note:  This is not a pity party, nor is it a bashing party.  This is me telling you what it's like to find out after almost forty years that you never, ever knew the man you married.  And, I'm telling you my story on the day that would have been my 43rd wedding anniversary. 

Back to the story.......

On April 18, 1970 on a chilly spring afternoon in Villanova, Pennsylvania a gathering of family and friends came to surround me and and the young man I was marrying with love and support and to witness our vows of love and total devotion to each other.  We had an outdoor wedding, and I must say the weather was touch-and-go right up until the final moment of setting up the chairs outdoors.  There had been a terrible thunder, lightening and pelting rain storm the evening before (an omen, maybe?) and we didn't know if an outdoor wedding would be possible until the skies parted early on that Saturday morning. 

As it turned out, there were a few rain puddles, but the sky was crystal clear, the forsythia and daffodils were in bloom, so the outdoor wedding went on as planned! 

I'm not posting any photos of the actual wedding itself.  The photos have faded, and in all truthfulness, I haven't opened the wedding album in several years now. I have no desire to ever look at those pictures again.  At least, that's how I feel at this moment in time.

What happened?  Two young Christians, met at a Christian college, fell in love, went through a year-long engagement, got married, settled down in a lovely country setting, became a model minister's family, had eleven beautiful children, and then slowly (at first) the foundation began crumbling until the climactic moment when the world came crashing down!  

Plain and simple, there was very little verbal communication in this marriage.  I think it's safe to say that if compacted into time, I cried literal years due to that one thing.  There was little to no talking within the marriage.  By nature, I'm a talker.  He was not.  

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a lesson learned.  You will never change a person!  I repeat.  You will never change a person!  I was naive enough to believe that after we got married, he would talk more.  Instead, he become more and more quiet, more private, and excluded me from major areas of his life.  ALERT!  This was a big ALERT, but I didn't pay attention. 

You can learn to live with a non-talker, especially when eleven kids fill your home with noise, chatter, and laughter!  Okay, with six boys and five girls there were some times of drama, crying, fighting, screaming, and all of the crazy, nutty stuff that comes along with having kids one right after the other!  So, the "ALERT" of non-communication was brushed aside temporarily until the kids began leaving the nest. 

And, before we knew it, there were only two daughters left living at home, and many grandchildren being born.  I was beginning to feel a bit strange --eerily strange.  I felt like I was living with someone I didn't know as the years with the eleven kids at home were winding down. 

But, it's easy to figure out that I love babies -- always have and always will.  They are life's greatest treasures -- the most magnificent of miracles, and I was blessed not once, but eleven wonderful times over!  And, now the next generation was beginning to arrive and my heart soared once again!  Now the grandkids filled those empty places in my heart and that was good........... 

Except -- there was still no communication with the man I loved.  He was more private, more withdrawn, and more secretive with "me" than when we first got married, although he was a gracious, much-loved and respected community member and the most active minister,  volunteer, counselor, and confidante you'd ever find.  ALERT!  Take care of your wife first!  Everyone else comes second.  Wife is next in line after God.  Always!

Let's just say around year thirty-six, my heart became empty.  Devoid.  No more love left.  My heart had been bleeding -- hurting -- for so many years that it finally caught up and my heart was bleeding just like the bleeding hearts you see in this picture.  My heart bled, and bled, and bled until there was no more love left for this man I had married almost forty years before.  And, so we parted.  ALERT!  Neglect is a sure sign that something is wrong!  I repeat.  NEGLECT is a sure sign something is very, very wrong!

The sad part of this very true story is that not long after we parted our ways, he was arrested and convicted of being a practicing pedophile since the age of fourteen.  Yes, that is correct.  All through our married lives, he was molesting children -- little girls were his preference.  I tremble.  I shake.  I vomit.  I shudder.  I cry.  I go numb.  There's only so much thinking I can do about this.  The man I loved.  The man I trusted.  The man I looked to for godly instruction.  The man who fathered all of my children.  The man who I wanted to make happy all the days of my life was a practicing pedophile and that is why he was so secretive and quiet and unable to communicate with me.  The man I married now sits in prison serving thirty years of incarceration which I think is a fair exchange for the lifetime of hell his actions created for the countless innocent children who were harmed by this one man.  

How does that make me feel?  Initially like dirt for not seeing what was going on.  Initially broken.  Initially angry beyond words.  Hateful towards him at times.  Weak.  Alone.  Afraid.  And, hurting beyond hell for my family!  What did they do to deserve any of this??????? 

Today, April 18, 2013 is my wedding anniversary and I am celebrating alone.  I will drink a glass of wine.  I will eat a thick, juicy steak.  I will linger over another glass of wine.  And, I will NOT cry.  I will not allow this man to have power over me any more.  I will not feel sorry for myself ever again.  I will not say, "This is terrible and I did not deserve this."  Life is unfair to most people, and truthfully this part of my life has been terribly unfair, but it will not ruin me!  I will not allow this to define me. I am bigger and stronger than this! 

My message to every person who has been trampled on, deceived, and had your heart stomped on is this:

Take some time to grieve.  Feel the hurt.  Let it go deep.  Allow it to cut and bleed (and believe me, it will)!  But, after the shock of it all and after the pain of the initial blunt force to the heart begins to stop hurting so bad you want to die, walk away for a while and take stock of your life. 

Pull the blanket of hell back and uncover the blessings of heaven that are still there!  In my case, my God, oh my God, how I thank Him for all that has been given to me!  God, how I love my children!  God, how I love the grandchildren you have given to me.  God, how I thank you for allowing me to live this long and have good health.  God, how much I thank you for food, clothing, transportation, and a home.  Oh, my home!  God, how much I thank you for allowing me to wake up to birds singing and to be surrounded by so much nature and beauty.

Do I hate being alone at this stage in my life?  At first, I did.  But, you know what?  I'm beginning to blossom in ways I never thought possible.  I feel more sure of myself than ever before.  I laugh more than I have in a long, long time.  My heart is beginning to feel alive again.  Heck, those aren't bad things -- those things are great things!  And, I've found that I'm never really alone.  Every day, there is someone who is placed in my life that blesses me in some wonderful, caring, giving way!

My special thanks today to my friend Deb, who married the man she loved with all of her heart on April 17, 1970, just one day before my wedding.  We were friends before we got married, and we remain friends to this day.  Deb, my special friend, sent me the sweetest message ever yesterday letting me know that even though she was happily celebrating her 43rd wedding anniversary, there was a sadness knowing I was not celebrating mine.

Deb, I am celebrating!  I really, really am.  And, tonight when I lay my head on my pillow, I will thank God for the wonderful blessing of a 43-year-long friendship!

Yes, indeed, April 18, 2013 is a beautiful day!  God bless all those whose hearts have been broken with the fortitude and resolve to go on!  Even with the pain, it's still a mighty fine life! 

Trust me in this -- you WILL survive!  And, you WILL blossom again.  And, you ARE a thousand times stronger than you ever imagined!!!  Don't ever allow anyone to define who YOU are!  You are magnificently made and you can survive anything!

Let's celebrate life together!!! 

Love,

Clara 



Life Lessons: What I Learned While in Haiti!

They say "experience" is the best teacher, and that statement held true to the cause while on the mission trip with "Team Blanc" in Haiti just a couple of weeks ago.  Sure, I could read about these things in a book, but to actually see, touch, feel, and live among the people in Haiti and get to experience these life lessons -- WOW!!!  Thanks for allowing me share a few of these simple truths -- my "life lessons" -- with you!

Life lesson 1:  You don't need a clothes dryer to dry clothes.  The sun does a wonderful job, and it even gives you "sun bleached, fresh smelling clothes"!  Note to self: Quit the griping and complaining when the dryer doesn't work for a day.  God gave us the sun and it works way better than a clothes dryer! Besides that, the sun never breaks down.

Life lesson 2:  Beauty can be found everywhere -- even among the most difficult times of poverty, depression, sickness, or anguish.  God has not forgotten us and gives us beauty to enjoy at all times.  We simply have to look around us.  Note to self:  Stop thinking God has forgotten me.  He hasn't!  All I have to do is look outside to view His glorious creation and be reminded that if He cares for the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, He tenderly cares for me, too!

Life lesson 3:  Fancy cookware and a top-notch state-of-the-art kitchens are not requirements for preparing delicious, nutritious food.  Cooking over an open fire in a big iron kettle will get the job done marvelously! (I wish you could have seen how this pasta was cooked!  It was amazing!!!   Note to self:  Stop feeling sorry for yourself that your kitchen and cooking utensils are old.  Instead, use what you have and be thankful!!!

Life lesson 4:  Kids will be kids under any circumstances.  They know how to enjoy the simple things in life. (This little boy sliding down the railing at Tabitha's orphanage reminded me of my kids sliding down the banister at home hundreds of times squealing with laughter as they had "races.")  Note to self:  Kids don't need hundred dollar toys and a room called a "play room" to make them happy.  They just need an opportunity to be a kid!  Every child is born with a super creative mind!  A little bit of encouragement to use their minds goes a long way!

Life lesson 5:  Not all kids own a $200 pair of hiking boots, but they still manage to climb mountains and enjoy God's beautiful creation.  Note to self:  Quit stalling when it comes to getting outside and enjoying nature!  Tennis shoes or flip flops from Walmart will take me where I need to go in order to exercise and take in the beauty of nature that surrounds me each day.  I don't need to wait until I save up for that expensive pair of walking shoes!  Feet work just fine!

Life lesson 6:  Fancy conference rooms, a PhD in Psychology, and the most current forms of advanced technology are not needed for heart-to-heart conversations about life, faith and God.  A simple sit-down in nature with a friend and time spent in prayer and God's word are calming to the soul.  Note to self:  Focus on reading more of the Bible, spending time with Christian friends, and spending quiet time in nature because these are the things that will give me life-sustaining nourishment right at the moment when I need it!

Life lesson 7:  There are flowers that are survivors and can thrive, bloom, and give beauty under any condition because God made them that way.  Note to self:  Stop thinking that circumstances have to be better in order for my life to be filled with joy.  Remember that I can bloom and thrive anywhere and at any time because God made me that way!

Life lesson 8:  Laughter is a universal language and can be understood and appreciated by everyone! (This lady lives in one of the aziles we visited, and she was overcome with joy as she enjoyed the food, the sanitation pack and the hugs that we gave her! I don't think I've ever seen a bigger smile!)   Note to self:  Laugh more!  Smile more!  Relax more! There are tremendous blessings of joy given to us in each and every day -- no matter what our circumstances.  Remember to share a smile with someone every day!

Life lesson 9:  No matter what your financial situation in life you can keep yourself neat, clean, and find a way to share something with others.  (This man is part of Tabitha's orphanage and used a machete to cut and prepare coconuts for us, the visitors.  Look how neatly he's dressed!  He sure puts many of us to shame!)  Note to self:  Take care of what you have, and stop wishing for more.  Always, always find something to share with others!!!  And, share with a joyful, giving heart!  "A cup of cold water given in His name to the least of these will not be forgotten." Matt. 10:42

Life lesson 10:  This is one beautiful world in which we live!!  This beauty was made for us to enjoy, to take care of, and to be used as a blessing!  (This was a daily scene in Haiti, and one that gave great peace and a sense of belonging to God.)  Note to self:  Never, ever become too busy to enjoy the gifts found in nature.  God created this world for us to enjoy, and when walking among nature we can really connect with God through our meditation and prayer. 

I could go on and on with the life lessons learned while in Haiti.  I took well over a thousand photos and there is a lesson and story to go with each one!  (Don't worry!  I'm only sharing ten for now -- not a thousand!) 

One of the most important life lessons of all I learned was this:  You don't have to travel to a foreign land to learn life lessons or to enjoy close communion with God and others.  We have opportunities for this right where we are every single day of our lives.  That being said, sometimes people need reminders and encouragement and they need our help in pointing out the beauty in the not-so-beautiful parts of life.  And, that's why seven very ordinary people prayed so fervently to make this mission trip possible -- to be messengers of hope to those who sometimes feel forgotten and lost in a world of poverty and darkness. 

Let's be a light that shines for others! And, quit worrying if you're a bright light!  Any light is a bright light to the one living in darkness!  When we share God's love, we've shared the most meaningful light of all --  an eternal light of hope! 

Love to all,
Clara

A Peek Inside a Mom's Heart

Above all else, there is one thing I am most happy about, most proud of, and feel most blessed about and that's being a mom.  I can almost hear my kids saying, "Wow!  That's a surprise.  You could have fooled me when you were yelling at us to keep quiet, go to bed, and leave me alone!" 

They're right.  I did do that sometimes.  To them, it seems like a lot of times.  In reflecting back I wish I could have been calmer, more composed, and more put together like the modern day Pioneer Woman , but I wasn't.  I was just  a mom -- a mother of eleven doing the very best that I could trying to show my kids how much I loved them. Okay, and on occasion I was trying to keep them from falling off rooftops and doing all the other things eleven kids think of doing!

 And, when I hear my now grown kids talking and laughing and reminiscing, I think they have some pretty good childhood memories so I'm thinking life must have been pretty okay for them, too!  In fact, I know it was by the way they love getting together and sharing childhood stories! 

What happens to a mom when all of her kids are grown and leave home, she has no husband to share stories and happily talk about their forty plus years of parenting, and she's living in the house that was once a busy, bustling place of activity every hour of the day and night?

For one thing, you sit back at night and relax.  And, you rest.  And, your heart smiles.  And, you remember.  The very, very good thing about remembering is that you can be selective and remember only what you choose, and I have chosen to remember some great and wonderful things!  Fun times!  Happy times!

Wanna know what I'm remembering today?  I can best remember by looking at pictures, so I'll share a few with you.  To you, these might not mean anything, but to me -- ahhhh, happy, smiling life!

 This little fella is a destroyer of tomato plants, and seeing him makes me remember all of the awesome, wonderful summers spent gardening with the kids.  We worked that big garden hard!  We planted, hoed, pulled weeds, and hunted down tomato borers like the one you see in this picture.  We snapped beans, shelled peas, husked corn, and canned pickles.  And, we talked and spent hours and hours together and I loved every single minute of it!  Oh, how I loved those hours together in the garden! 

Blackberries.  The delicious blackberries!  The kids would go out early in the mornings with their little pails and pick blackberries (eating half of them before they ever made it into the house), and then I would make blackberry jam -- the old fashioned way sealed with paraffin wax .  The big treat,  other than eating the blackberries, was the kids got the leftover wax to carve out sailboats to float in the tub while they were getting their baths.  Yes, I love memories like this! By the way, the jam was pretty good, too! 

We moved to the country with six kids and number seven on the way (from our church parsonage in town) and one of the very first things I did was to get the kids to help me plant some phlox.  My grandmother always had flowerbeds filled with blooming purple phlox, and she passed on her love of flowers to me.  I can't wait for our snow to melt so that I can see the first signs of my flowers peeking through the ground.  I remember when the stalks of these very flowers were taller than the kids who helped me plant them.  And now -- they serve as precious reminders of bouquets of flowers they picked for me to put on the supper table.  Happy, happy memories for my heart!

Home.  Sweet, precious, wonderful home.  I've spent thousands of hours looking out the kitchen window washing dishes (nope, I've never owned a dishwasher) watching the kids play in this yard.  And, those trees....you have no idea how many babies I held and nursed under those trees while the others were riding their bikes, mowing the grass, and building camp fires.  My heart actually races every time I reach the driveway to this house.  It's filled with wonderful, precious, happy memories that are forever etched on this mom's heart.  Everywhere I look are happy reminders of my children.  This home brings me peace and joy every single day of my life for it holds reminders of so much shared love with friends and family!

  In the side yard is this snowball bush and each branch seems to hold a special memory for me.  I remember when this arrived in the mail the size of a teensy twig from Michigan Bulb .  I got some of the kids to dig me a hole for planting.  We grabbed a bucket of water and had faith that this little branch of a thing would make it.  And, it did!  It got mowed over at least fifteen times, but it's a survivor!  This bush also was the backdrop for the basketball hoop when the kids played ball for hours on end.  I'd watch them from the kitchen window or while I was sitting on the porch.  They were pretty darned good, too!  Hmmm...I think we need to put up another basketball hoop.  It's time for me to watch the grandkids play ball!

Sunset.  Beautiful country sunsets.  At the end of the day, I loved to walk out to the edge of the field, collect my thoughts, and breathe the evening air.  And, take stock of the day.  This is a place where I could sit my worries down for the night, and just be thankful for another day of health, and peace, and the blessing of being a mom.  I still make daily walks to the edge of the field.  I still take stock of the day.  I still count my many blessings

And, the biggest blessing of all is that I've been able to be called mom.

I love you, kids!

Love,
mom 
PS  Every day is a memory in the making!  Be sure to take time to journal it either by writing or photos.  One day these memories will serve you well!  I promise!  This has my heart stirring.and I hope this has stirred your heart, too...I can think of so many more -- Poochie (our big dog), Blackie, Midnight, Batler, Spike (oh, there were lots of dogs) and Bell Bambie Christmas (our viscious cat). Maybe I'll just have to pull more memories out of the photo albums!

And, hopefully you'll share some of your memories with me, too! 

A Week at the Beach.........Some Most Unlikely Treasures!

Photography is a hobby of mine, and as I've mentioned before I haven't yet entered the world of the "specialty cameras" yet.  I'm still using my 6-year-old point-and shoot which continues to serve me well! I use my camera to journal my life because quite truthfully I find it easier to take a picture than to quiet myself long enough to write in a daily book journal.

That being said, I remember the year 2009 as being a really difficult year for me.  Life seemed to be crumbling apart at the seams.  There were lots of money problems, and being the sole supporter of the household at that time, the burden was extra heavy on my heart.  My marriage was all but non-existent.  I was feeling the brokenness of not knowing what was in store for me with all areas of my life.  In fact, life felt so broken that I questioned whether it would ever feel good or right or even "okay" again. 

Friends of mine suggested traveling along with them to the beach.  At first I said "no thanks."  I already felt like a fifth wheel, and the last thing on earth I felt like doing was interfering with someone else's vacation.  They insisted, and insisted, and insisted that I go along.  And, then the magical words came out:  "We'll give you all the time you need or want to be alone on the beach.  Just go and get away and clear your head a little bit." 

And, so I did!

I took hundreds of pictures that week, walking many, many miles along the beach by myself, and reflected, prayed, cried, then finally came to the conclusion that there wasn't a darned thing I could do about what was going on in my life except give it my best shot.  Keep working.  Keep trying.  Keep hoping.  Keep praying that things would work out. 

And, this is what I learned.

 I learned that rocking chairs calm me.  Why?  Because they remind me of my Grandmom Bozarth.  I swear that woman spent half of her life sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch simply enjoying the sights and sounds of nature.  When I saw these rocking chairs, I walked up onto the porch and "set a spell", too.  Gosh!  That was nice! 

Trees.  I love the draping security found in the softly swaying branches of trees.  When I was a kid living on our farm I spent many hours under the safety of our big pine trees in our side yard.  I still feel a calmness under the trees, and so I enjoyed an afternoon alone allowing the trees to hold me close and comfort me. 

Looking high into the big, blue sky and seeing the American flag waving brought me to my knees in thankfulness.  Our nation is far from perfect, but I can tell you this -- I am so thankful I was born here.  I'm so thankful for the freedom I've been able to enjoy, and I'm so thankful for those who gave their lives for my freedom.  Wow!  I was beginning to feel less broken! 

An old gentleman sitting on a bench motioned to me to come over.  He wanted to share the treasure he had found.  A perfect sand dollar.  And, then he not only shared the legend of the sand dollar with me, but he took his aging hands and gently placed that sand dollar in mine.  I've often wondered if he was able to see the cracks in my heart that needed healing? 

And, as was meant for me on this week at the beach, while walking along the shore, a man came up alongside of me, smiling his toothless smile, and opened up his dry, cracked hand to show me what had just washed ashore.  He gave me some life lessons that day -- lessons about living the simple life.  Living a life of thankfulness.  Living with little, but really having so much!  Thank you, nameless man without teeth, for sharing so much of your wisdom with me while I was searching for truth!

There's just something about park benches that seem to say, "Sit a spell.  You need rest."  And, so I did sit.  For a spell, and a spell longer I sat and my heart finally opened up and cried.  I cried for the brokenness which had come into my life.  Unexpected pain that I never thought would be mine.  Never did I expect a marriage that would not be "forever."  My children were hurt and pained, and some had lashed out at me in their pain.  There's nothing that stings more than darts thrown by those you love.  As I watched the calm sea, though, I was reminded that no storm lasts forever.  There is always sunshine following the rain.  Always calm after the storm.  And, so I did something I hadn't done in a while.  I prayed.  I prayed long and hard that God would fill my heart with more thanksgiving than pain.  I prayed that I would focus more on the future than the past.  I prayed for healing. 

Talk about smile!  I know this was a God moment when I saw these two boys walking across the pier to do some fishing!  Oh, how my heart swelled with joy when I remembered the carefree moments of watching my own sons with their fishing poles, sweaty faces, and happy grins walking across the field to go find a fishing spot.  That's what life is all about -- enjoying moments like this!  In my quest to find some healing, I realized I had been surrounded by children for more than forty years and I have been blessed with precious, beautiful memories of the simple joys of childhood!  Thank God for kids!  They teach us how to really live! 

Look at the beauty!  Gaze at the details!  Feel the freedom!  I began to release some of the pain -- little-by-little my heart was feeling better.  Sure the problems were still there, but my heart was somehow feeling lighter.  Have you ever felt it, too?  If so, you know just what I mean.  I'm so glad I captured this moment.  I've revisited this picture hundreds of times since my week at the beach and have felt the same peace and calm over and over again.  Heck, I'm even breathing easier looking at this picture right now!  Oh, the blessings of a day at the sea!

I found my own special treasures during my walks along the beach, and I had the special joy of sharing some of my stories and my treasures with a grandson this year at Christmas.  You should have seen his eyes light up when I handed him my special sand dollar!  You should have felt my heart light up as I handed it over to him!  Gifts from the sea were meant to be shared!  And, I'm so thankful for the gifts that were shared with me!

I don't know where you go when life piles up on you.  For me, it's someplace in nature -- preferable a walk along the beach, a walk among fields of flowers, or a walk along a cool, mountain stream.  I'm not so naive as to say this takes away all of our problems.  It doesn't.  When I came back home, I still had a marriage that was broken.  I still had kids angry with me.  I still had bills that needed to be paid.  I still had huge obstacles to overcome in order to try to keep my house from being taken from me.  I still had to deal with all kinds of messy things. 

BUT, I had found some much-needed replenishment of the soul.  And, I was able to be reminded a thousand times over what beautiful, wonderful blessings I have that are mine that NOBODY can ever take away! 

And, from the old man at the sea, I was reminded that "Every story has an end, but in life every end is just a new beginning."

Here's to many new beginnings for each of us!

Love,
Clara 

Packing for the Unknown -- What's It Like?

Well, it's down to the nitty-gritty.  Only four more days until departure time!  The suitcase is laying out on my bedroom floor waiting to be packed.  And, as I looked at it this morning before leaving for work, my heart skipped a few beats -- some beats were for happiness and joy, other beats were a bit of "I'm going to miss my kids and my daily phone call from my little granddaughter, Sophie", and other skipped beats were a bit of true-blue, honest-to-goodness anxiety over facing the unknown.

Some of you might say, "Well, I thought you went there last year?  You're no longer a novice to Haiti or to the routine of living a week of your life in a foreign mission field."  True and true, but not-so-true.  This ole granny is a bit afraid, if I'm being totally honest.  I'm afraid of how the flight will be.  Will we all enter and leave the country safely?  I'm a bit fearful of the mosquitoes and stomach bugs that attacked so many on our trip last year.  I'm afraid of not knowing what each day will bring.  There's no such thing as a set agenda when in Haiti.  Time is not important to the Haitians. Okay, I'm afraid of the mice, lizards, and rats, too. 

"So, if you're that afraid, then why are you going?" some might ask.  The children.  I'm going because of the children.  I'm going because it will be such a joy to provide a ray of hope to someone in despair.  I'm going because my heart is happy when I can give of myself.  I'm going because I want to share God, hope, and love with all people, including those who are our neighbors in Haiti.  I'm going because it will be so good to give families in dire need of food some beans and rice to help sustain them.  I'm going because I don't want to miss the opportunity of seeing some of my own children serving others. I don't think a parent can experience any greater joy!  I'm going because it is my responsibility to joyfully help care for those who are in need of physical, spiritual, and emotional nourishment. 

And, I thank YOU who gave so generously to see to it that I can go! 

Please stroll through memory lane in Haiti with me.  And, pray that all of my anxious fears will subside so that I can be all that I should be, and all that I want to be while living among these beautiful children of God!

The mountains declare the handiwork of God!  You can feel His presence, and see His beautiful creation! Even in what we would call a desperate situation, the power of God lives and dwells among the people!

This will be "my home" for the next week.  I will have the awesome privilege of living with the children of the Cap-Haitian Children's Home!  What a joy and blessing! 

And, I will get lots and lots of smiles and hugs.  There will be countless, humbling "God moments" where I will be reminded of those things that are truly important and meaningful in this earthly life. 

Sun-bleached clothes -- and they smell so fresh and clean!  This reminds me so much of my days as a kid growing up on the farm! 

Bible story sharing time is always a highlight with the kids!  They are so eager to listen and learn!!!

Sunday worship is hours and hours long -- in the sweltering heat, swatting at flies.  And most people, old and young, have walked miles to get to their house of worship.  They don't have clocks, nor do their stomachs tell them it's time for lunch as most will not have any lunch or any dinner.  Worship is far more important to them than food.  Oh, that my heart can grow to know God so deeply and intimately!

Everywhere we visited, we were offered gifts of love.  In fact, they "insisted" that we take a gift and they would not take any money in return.  These gifts were made to say, "We love you, and thank you for coming to see us.  Thank you for the prayers.  Thank you for the love you have shared."  I brought a necklace home with me and I wear it almost every day to remind me of this lesson of love -- "It is more blessed to give than receive."  Thank you my dear Haitian friends for teaching me so much!

 I cannot wait to make home visits!  Precious is the love of the Haitians as they invite us into their "room", and ask for only one thing:  prayers.  To hold hands and pray together -- let's just say that you must experience it in order to understand it.  God lives within us and His love flows from heart-to-heart.

The sky, the water, the mountains -- such beauty!  God never leaves us with only despair.  He provides hope in the midst of our brokenness.  Always.  God is love.  God is hope.  God is present! 

To the world, I may be only one, but to a child, I may be his world.  And, this is why I go.  And, this is why I thank you from the very depths of my heart for sending me.

Please pray for our team.  Pray that God will lead us to those who need to see, hear, and feel His love.  Pray that we will remain strong and healthy so that we can serve all the days we are in Haiti.  Pray that above all else, we will not just leave physical food and some daily relief from the burdens of life, but that we will plant seeds of hope eternal!

Love,
Clara