Another Valentine's Day Spent Alone

For many people, just the words "Valentine's Day" sends a shiver of pain up their spine. For them it means being alone again. Nobody to call them special. No flowers sent to their door. No box of chocolate candy to share by candlelight with the love of your life. No romantic date. No hugs and kisses and hearing those words we all crave, "I love you." Valentine's Day for many is a day of heartache and reminders of being nobody's special one.

All of this could get rather dismal, BUT we do have choices in things like this. I know......you probably don't want to hear it because you've heard it so many times before. "Life is a sum of the choices we make. We can choose to be happy or we can choose to live in misery." There was a time in my own life when that was told to me and I wanted to raise my leg and do a karate kick right in the person's face who was talking to me. I, like you, didn't want to hear it. It's difficult to hear that we have a choice in matters of the heart. But, it's true.

I'm convinced that very few people will have that movie-star, dream of a lifetime type of Valentine's Day. Couples will argue and fight. Many will go to extravagant extremes and increase their debt on their charge cards. Others will buy cards and flowers only to have them thrown out the next day. The thought of Valentine's Day is awesome, but the reality of life is that we really and truly should be living as though every day was Valentine's Day -- speaking those words "I love you" to those we love more than once a year. Doing acts of kindness and love in the little daily things such as taking out the garbage without being asked, running the vacuum to help out, giving a much-needed word of encouragement to someone who needs it. None of these things cost money, but they do add up in the bank account of life. Small, unsolicited kindnesses often make the difference between a person wanting to get up in the morning or not.

So, how should YOU spend Valentine's Day this year if you're alone? Well, I have two suggestions and I've done both so I know that both work. You can choose to ignore the fact that the calendar has extra words printed on it that say "Valentine's Day." Keep in mind, those are only words, and the 24 hours on February 14 will pass just as surely as the 24 hours on February 15 will pass, so why get all fussed up about it? Don't put yourself into a tailspin and throw yourself into depression over a date on a calendar!!!!

You can also do something that requres some action, and I guarantee you that it will make you feel like a million bucks even if you're feeling like a tarnished penny right now. DO SOMETHING KIND FOR SOMEONE ELSE!

Do you have a nearby Children's Hospital or Nursing Home? If so, make a visit and deliver a bag of valentines (you can get a box for a dollar at the Dollar Tree) and have the nurses distribute them to someone in a hospital who has no visitor that day. I get happy just thinking about doing that!!!! Take a bunch of valentines with you and go to a local mall and hand them out to passers by. Will they think you're crazy? Some might, but I'll guarantee you that many will thank you because YOU will be their only Valentine this year. Go to a local eatery (not a fine dining establishment) and pay for someone's meal anonymously. How awesome that would be!!!! I assure you there will be lots of people eating alone on Valentine's Day -- not just you. Get creative. You can make a list of 50 or more ways to make someone else's day brighter, I'm sure, and when you do, YOU have become a SPECIAL VALENTINE to each one and your own heart will overflow with love, too.

Yes, we do have a choice. Me? I have my box of Scooby Doo valentines sitting on the kitchen table all ready to go!

Bunches of love to you,
Clara

What's this crazy feeling I have?

Have you ever gotten hit with a feeling and you don't really know what it is? You feel kinda sick, no energy, can't sleep right......nothing feels or seems right...and there's some kind of "nagging" that just won't go away? I think we probably can all identify. I know I sure can!

That very thing has happened to me time and time again, and I just could never pinpoint what it was until about 5 years ago. It's GRIEF. GRIEF. Yep, GRIEF! I don't even like the sound of that word!!!!

I used to get that sick ache in my stomach as a kid when my parents would argue and fight. I got that same awful feeling when I didn't complete a homework assignment in school on time and got into trouble. I got that feeling when my 13-year-old sister died (and I was only 15). That was REALLY bad!!! "That feeling" stayed for at least two years, and I had no clue what to call it. Grief wasn't even a word in the dictionary back then -- at least I sure never heard that word being used in school!

That same "crazy feeling" came over me when my first child got married and moved away. My stomach ached and I felt awful. Nothing that the doctor could diagnose, but I knew I just didn't feel right. So, is grief what you call heartache?

I think so many of us hurt inside and we don't know what to call it and we sure don't know how to deal with "it"! That "it" is grief, and it's tough. It can rip us apart, flatten us, and leave us feeling like we've been beaten up.

I'll be talking more about this in different blogs, but for now I just want to say that the first step to "healing" is knowing how to identify this thing called grief. If you have no real physical illness that can be diagnosed by a doctor, and if you've had some kind of major life change going on, then I'd say you are probably experiencing grief. It stinks. It hurts. It makes you feel like garbage. BUT........................it does get better! I promise you. It takes time, and it takes talking, and it takes work, but it does get better.

If you're going through something that is a grief to you right now, take time to write down your thoughts on a piece of paper. Then, share with someone how much you hurt. Find others who have gone through similar experiences as you're going through. Then, line up your support.....any friends you can find who will listen and be a help! And, read, read, read all you can to help you find ways to cope.

What helped me? Getting out among nature. I LOVE taking walks in the woods, looking at the moon and twinkling stars, watching flowers bloom, feeling the soft breeze of springtime touch my face. The more you surround yourself with positive, healing, hopeful things, the more your mind will be saturated with thoughts of healing. Hang in there!!! Work hard!!! Trust your gut and do what is best for you!! And, remember...."it will get better!"

Love,
Clara Hinton
http://www.silentgrief.com/

Help! I Just Want to Hide!

Did you ever have a day when your heart hurts so bad that you just want to hide from everybody and everything? Life can pile up and pile up and sometimes the pain gets so bad that we think we going to break in two if we don't get some kind of comfort. And, right when we think we've reached our breaking point, we get another blast to the heart again!

Being a mom of 11 kids, I've had days when I've wanted to literally run away......you know those kinds of days when everything you say, do, and think is wrong, and bad goes to worse, and you can't take any more. I can't really tell you that there is a set of rules to follow that will make it all go away, but I can tell you that it helps to stop doing whatever you're doing, and sit still. Yep! You heard me. Just be still. Take some long, deep breaths, and just "get through" the day, the hour, the night, the minute, the emergency....whatever it is that has your heart and stomach tied in a knot.

Then, find a place where you can scream, kick, yell, holler, bawl, punch........to release some of that pain. If you don't, you'll eventually fall into a heap on the floor and cave. And, nobody wants that! After you've done your ranting, try to think "logically"! HA! That's a tough one -- especially when in the middle of a near breakdown crises. But, we have to do it. If we can't think logically alone, then get some help. A friend. A doctor. A pastor. A relative. Just find somebody who will listen and give some good, sound advice.

And, then.............do what I've done probably a million times in my life. GO LOCK YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND TAKE A SOOTHING, BUBBLE BATH!!!!! I'm not making light of heavy situations, but in all honesty, it really does help to soak away your troubles for an hour. I used to lock the bathroom door, put on ear muffs to drown out the sound of the screaming kids, and fill bubbles in the tub til they overflowed. Sometimes, I lit a candle; most times I sipped a (tall) glass of wine while soaking in the tub. :)

My troubles weren't taken away by bubbles, BUT I did find "a healing place" to rest and withdraw from the craziness of life for a while. We all need that healing place -- that place to call "our own" where we can rest for a bit, remove ourselves from the cares of this world, wallow in our sorrows for a brief while, then refuel with fresh hope and new energy.

Take a break.........TODAY! Find that healing place of your own and use it frequently!!!
Love,
Clara
PS Bath salts are on sale at CVS this week!

Summer in Winter -- Is It Really Possible?

What would you say if you knew that you could find the warmth and sunshine of the summer in the very depths of winter? Would you go after it? Would you try to find out how this is possible? Well, if you're like me, of course you'd go running to wherever you needed to go to find the answer as to how you could do this! Well, I can tell you right now that it is possible to find summer even in the midst of the most dark, dreary, cold winter.

When life feels like it has a black cloud hanging overhead, and your heart is heavy from pain and sorrow, it's time to call on that inner strength we know as "hope" to help us rise above the dark clouds into the light of day. How do we do this? Well, there are a number of ways, beginning with changing our thoughts. We must never allow the negative thoughts to outweigh the positive, nor should we permit the negative to make a home in our hearts and minds. For most of us, this is a daily struggle -- sometimes it's an hourly struggle, but it can be done!

We have so many "miracles" surrounding us that we cheat ourselves by not opening our eyes to look at the beauty of nature and all it can give us each and every day. Have you ever studied the details of a snowflake? Have you allowed raindrops to fall gently against your face? Have you taken the time to smell the air in the autumn and to breathe in the crispness of the changing season? All of these things are reminders that "our summer" is waiting for us. Just as certain as the stars twinkle in the evening sky and the sun rises to bring forth a new day, so, too will our summertime arrive --even in the darkest of winters.

Hope is alive! Hope is eternal! Hope is our gift to use each and every day! Never allow the outer temperatue of life interfere with the inner temperature of your heart! Keep your thoughts focused on the lovely, the pure, the holy, and the beautiful and your summer will spring forth even in the middle of the frozen winter!

With love,
Clara Hinton
www.silentgrief.com
www.clarahinton.com

Is Anybody Listening?

When we're feeling all alone and blue and totally miserable from our pain, it seems like we can yell from here to the high heavens and nobody is listening. Notice I said "it seems" like nobody is listening. I've been in that place so many times that it's not even funny, and I'm sure that you have, too. Unfortunatly, that's one of the most difficult of all parts of grieving and hurting .... feeling alone.

So, what can we do to ease our loneliness? I have a suggestion that seems almost absurd, but I promise you that it works. While you are NOT in any kind of emotional or physical pain, take the time to make a list of all of the people you "could" call on to help give you support if you needed it. Maybe your Pastor, a family member, a close friend. Perhaps it would be your doctor, a counselor, or the neighbor down the street. You don't need a LONG list; you only need two names to make it a list. Then, put their phone number next to their name.

And, now comes the final action part that will provide you with the support when you need it. CALL THE PERSON(S) on your list and let them know what you are doing. Tell them you are building a support system in ADVANCE so that when the time comes you can call and receive help when you need it in the form of emotional support, a ride to the doctor, an ear to listen, an errand runner. You know what I mean. Almost without hesitation, the person you call will agree to be your special support buddy.

Being prepared is a key factor to receiving support when you need it. When you already know who you will call on, that alone provides healing and comfort. Don't wait until an emergency arrives for you to try to gather your thoughts as to who you can call on to help you. Have your list ready, and I promise you that you will never have to cry out again, "Is anybody listening?" because there always will be somebody there!!!

Clara Hinton
http://www.silentgrief.com/
http://www.clarahinton.com/

Spend Time with Nature and Be Thankful

Sometimes the pain and craziness of life catches up with us and we feel like there is no place to go to escape from the everyday pressures of life. That's when we need to follow a prescription for "peace" that was given to me a long time ago by a family doctor. His Rx was very plain and clear to understand: "Spend time alone with nature every day. Find at least one thing to be thankful for each day." That was it.

I wondered if the doctor had lost his mind. I was anxious, overburdened, and stressed. I was experiencing burnout from life. And, he didn't give me any medication -- rather he told me to spend time with nature and be thankful. That's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted a way to fix my pain and brokenness. What I didn't understand yet was that the doctor had indeed given me the right formula -- the correct prescription for peace.

I began to do as the doctor said.......I began by taking a small walk every day. At that time, I lived in town, and was not near a forest, or lake, or gardens. So, I walked and appreciated the flowers in others front lawns, the occasional chipmunk that ran across the street, and I even grew to like seeing the little caterpillars that were on the sidewalk. Little did I know at that time that my heart was beginning to find peace. I became thankful for all of the signts and sounds I found while on my walk.

It is now many years after that family doctor handed me the prescription, and to this day, I always begin my day with saying "thank you" for something in my life, and I always walk with nature even if only for 5 or 10 minutes each day. The peace I feel when seeing the beauty in nature cannot be found in a pill. And, the stress that is relieved when I say "thank you" is unbelieveable. In fact, I'll guarantee you that you won't be able to stop saying "thank you" for just one thing in your life........you'll continue on and on and on and on.

Sometimes the most simple acts bring about the biggest changes in our lives. Are you searching for healing and peace? If so......spend some time with nature every day and say thank you. The formula works!!!!!

Father's Day -- A Really Difficult Day

Father's Day is a really difficult day for me. It has been 20 years since I've seen my dad.....not by my choice, but by his. And, to make matters worse, I don't understand "why" he has chosen to deny me this relationship between father and daughter. We were never real close during my childhood, but I always knew he was there. He wasn't much of a talker or communicator, but he showed his love in little ways that let me know he cared. He sent cards on Easter, and Christmas, and he would talk when I called. Other than that, there wasn't that warm and fuzzy relationship that I longed for between the two of us. But, that's okay. I still had a father.

Twenty years ago, that changed, though. The last visit I had with my father was a wonderful one. He lives on a large farm by himself, and I brought my family to visit him. He showed us the dairy cattle, the fields of corn, and took us on a wonderful hayride. It was in September, and I can still smell the great fall air, and see the fields in the distance looking ready for harvest.

Following that trip, my dad put off phone calls....he said he was "too busy" to talk. He was always too busy doing farm work. My kids (his grandchildren) would call, but he was again too busy to talk. On four different occasions we made plans to go visit him -- an almost five hour drive away -- only to have him call very early in the morning to cancel the visit because he was "too busy" again.

The years passed, and now there has been no communication for several years. When holidays roll around, especially Father's Day, the pain hits again and reminds me that my grief is still very alive and very much present in my life. How I'd love to hear the wise words of a father, to see the caring eyes of a father, and to know the feeling of safety and security of being loved unconditionally by a father. It looks like that is never going to happen, though. Not with my earthly father.

How can I find a healing place? A place that feels good and right and that "fits" when the word father is mentioned? Actually, I've found it in my heavenly Father. He is the only Father I know, and when I think about it, He is the only Father I really and truly need.

Today as I sat in church, I heard person after person say, "Thank you, Dad. You've inspired me. You've always been there. You've taught me unconditional love. You never missed one of my soccer games. You taught me how to face tragedy."

I sat quietly on my seat in church, and said the same words. 'Thank you, Father. You've listened to me when I've needed a listening ear. You've been with me through my worst days, as well as my best. You've love me unconditionally, and you still do. You taught me about grace and forgiveness. You are always near. And, you are never, ever too busy!"

I've found my Healing Place in Him. Thank you, Father God.